Creating and Maintaining Motivation
There is a belief perpetuated by both clients and therapists alike: YOU CAN'T CHANGE SOMEONE ELSE, YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF. This simple saying keeps people from banging their heads against a wall when they are frustrated by their inability to control another person. The saying does hold alot of truth in many situations, and the intention is positive- to embrace taking responsibility for oneself and avoid codependency. It’s not entirely true, however. Sometimes others can influence us to change, and sometimes we can have influence over others. None of us are self-made. We are social beings that respond to the world around us. But we shouldn't always outsource our successes and failures to others. There is a funny term- having an "accountabili-buddy" (e.g. the person who kicks your butt into the gym and makes sure you do your workout). Since we can't always contract an accountabili-buddy in our lives for all of our endeavors, we have to have our own set of tools to promote motivation.
"Motivation" is one of those words like "love" or "self-esteem"- loaded with meaning but difficult to define succinctly. Let's say it means the willingness to invest time, energy, money or some other kind of work or personal resource into an endeavor. I have clients in my office every day who want help with motivation. But I can't lend them my energy at times they need it the most- I'm not there with them at the gym, or looking over their shoulder as they fill out job applications, or feeding them lines from a cue card to help them convey their anger more calmly and effectively during an argument. There's an inherent impossibility in doing something one is not motivated to do. That's like expecting your car to take you down the road with no gas. Some areas of life are inherently enjoyable and don't require any technique for maintaining motivation- it comes naturally. But what comes easy for one (going to a social event alone; running 5 miles; finishing a house project) may be like climbing a steep mountain for someone else. So what is the key for those who succeed when natural motivation is hard to come to come by?
The key is stopping the automatic, unconscious, habitual, and oversimplistic labeling of things as "good" or "bad". For someone with social anxiety, for example, there may be an automatic tape playing in their head that going to a party alone where there are many new and unknown people is "bad". They may not have the word "bad" literally flashing in their head, but there is some kind of automatic negative feeling or association that is triggered when they think of that kind of event. Instead of looking at the scenario as "bad", trying looking at it more scientifically as "interesting". It's much more appealing to approach something that is "interesting" than something that is "bad"- "interesting" makes it more of a fun game. Then maybe try to take it one step further and find the thing that is enticing about the scenario- maybe that scary thing is also "challenging" or "exciting". Find the thing that you like about something you may have been previously categorizing as unlikeable. This works with people too- connecting with something that you like about a person that is otherwise annoying or aggravating.
Another "trick" to motivation is to stop the internal dialogue that makes room for the option of quitting or not following through. (Example: You're on the way home from work, gym bag in the back seat. You say to yourself, maybe it's okay if I skip the gym today. I'm pretty tired, and I got alot done at the office. I can go another day). The world is not going to stop if you don't go to the gym, but if you do this, you are creating a habit of justifying getting out of your commitment to yourself. So next time, skip that conversation with yourself where you talk yourself out of it.
What struggle are you having with motivation? What is that thing that part of your mind wants to do but the other part puts up a roadblock? What can you tap into that you really want that will give you enough steam to overcome the inertia? If you can't make progress, then you haven't come to terms with the reality that your desire to maintain the status quo is perhaps greater than your desire to change. Why is that? Or you haven't been able to clearly identify, articulate, and leverage the more powerful desire that is going to push you forward. What is your “why”? Why do you want to change? What are you willing to suffer for? Once you find a reason to do the work that is actually compelling, then the fear and inertia fade, and positive change begins.