Unhealthy Relationships- Why We Stay
There are practical and emotional reasons to stay in a relationship, such as children and finances, but the following are some of the hidden psychological motivations that are not always right at the surface. Determining whether to work on a relataionship or seek wellbeing outside of a relationship is a difficult decision. If you see these issues below in your relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to exit. You may decide it’s best to leave, or you may be able to use your awareness to create positive changes in the relationship.
The first three are very interrelated beliefs and connect to one’s early upbringing, family environment. Do any of these relate to you?
1. The unhealthy relationship feels like home. I imprinted on insecure, volatile relationships. I seek relationships in my adult life that feel like what I am used to. I respond to guilt and abuse because I had to do so to get any love, attention, or acceptance as a child.
2. Even if I don’t identify with reason #1, and I am not seeking a feeling of home, I am at the least more tolerant of chaos and dysfunction because of my early exposure to it.
3. Because of my upbringing in a dysfunctional family, I feel that my worth is limited. I don’t deserve a healthy relationship because I have internalized the low value that my family had for me or each other. I am flawed because I come from a deeply flawed family.
Here are 7 other factors that create confusion and difficulty:
1. The Dopamine Effect- the roller coaster of dysfunctional relationships is an exciting, compelling story. The breakup or fight followed by the make up and redemption is intoxicating. I have not found other ways to seek excitement and meaning in my life, so I’m lured in by the cheap drama of this relationship.
2. The Savior Complex- I believe I can help this person. I see good in this person, and I don’t want to throw them away the way I felt thrown away by my own family. I have a weakness for the “sad puppy” persona. I tell myself I am kind, but really I’m enabling dysfunction and keeping me and my partner stuck in a dysfunctional dance.
3. I am in this relationship to have some control over the inevitable chaos in my life. If I try to leave, my partner will try to make my life a living hell, or I will eventually miss them, so I will just keep them close for the sake of damage control. If they are in my sights, I can avoid a surprise attack. I am not happy, but I am scared of what they will do if I reject them.
4. This is a practice relationship for me. I’m too tired or don’t believe that I have what it takes to bring A+ behavior to a relationship, so I’ll settle for this D- relationship right now. This relationship is temporary, but I don’t have what it takes to support a healthy relationship. Maybe I can learn something while I’m here.
5. Investment Theory/Sunk Cost- In economics, there is a concept called “sunk cost”. I have invested so much already, I don’t want to let it go. My prior commitment to this relationship has bonded me to it, even if it is no longer proving to be a good use of my time and energy.
6. The relationship isn’t all bad. Sometimes there is a lot of good. I don’t want to leave or throw away the small part that is good although the greater part is unhealthy.
7. Practical and emotional reasons and responsibilities. We have kids together. We don’t want to cause distress to the children. Maybe we will split up, but we need a better plan and agreement first to protect the children. Our financial life is entangled. Splitting up to abruptly would have financial consequences that would create a great amount of stress in a whole different way.
8. I am seeking closure. (This motive, like the others, is often unconscious). I will be more ready to leave when I finally get the validation from this person I am seeking. I want them to recognize my value and all I’ve done for them. Once I settle this score, I will be able to let go of my anger and resentment and release this relationship. On the more hopeful side, maybe there is one more thing that I can try or we can try that will help steer us in a better direction.