Check-Ins: An Easy Tool To Keep Your Relationship On Track

Check-Ins are a way to communicate and iron out bumps in the road between counseling sessions or after you have finished couples counseling.  They can be used to simply connect emotionally, express appreciation and receive validation, or solve problems.  The interesting dynamic of check-ins is that that they simultaneously slow down and speed up communication.  They slow it down by allowing you the days between check-ins to figure out if a concern is important or not.  Is that thing that you are worried about on Wednesday still an issue that merits a discussion on Sunday?  Or did it seem to fade away?  Or maybe you take those days to figure out what you want to say or how to present your message.  Check-ins also speed up communication due to their frequency- you have an opportunity to bring up issues sooner than if you sweep them under the rug or wait until the next fight happens. 

Guidelines:

Check-ins happen on a regular basis, usually weekly for most couples.  Find a time and place when you are available and relaxed.  Find a comfortable place to have the check-in, or go for a walk.

Use the rules of non-violent communication- state your thoughts or feelings, ask questions, make requests.  Don’t jump to conclusions, blame, or attack your partner.  Don’t try to solve problems too quickly.  If it feels too heated or pressured, you can simply say, “I hear you. I need to think about this. I’ll consider it and get back to you.” 

Some couples do both a “business” part of the check-in and an emotional or relational part.  The business part includes schedules for the week, financial information that needs to be shared, and discussion of chores/tasks.  The relational part is more about how you are doing and feeling.

Possible questions to ask in a check-in:

How are you feeling this week?

Is there anything that’s been on your mind?

How can I help you going forward? 

Some check-ins might result in action steps that you plan to take going forward.  Some might simply result in understanding each other better or feeling more connected.  Try to follow up on what you discussed the previous check-in.  How are things going? Did things improve?